I hate dealing with customer service.
Between the waiting and the semi-scripted verbal dancing, it's a real waste of time.
I know why I'm calling. The poor rep knows why I'm calling. Yet we still need to do this dance where he (or she) tries to retain me. Then I wait for a fantastic offer and maybe I take it (SiriusXM loves this game).
But sometimes I just want to cancel something so I wait as the person goes through the script. No use interrupting and being rude, just let them do their job, move towards the finish line, and move on.
When I discovered there was a simple way to cancel any service in less than five minutes, I had to share it.
By Phone: Give a Bullet Proof Reason
If you're on the phone and want a reason they can't counter, tell them you're moving out of the country for a few years.
I know we're not supposed to lie but it's either you lie and say you're moving to Uzbekistan or you pay for your honesty with 15 minutes of politely declining their offers. (or you're unlucky and it's going to take a lot longer)
Another bullet-proof reason is to say you're going to die. This person told a rep they only had 3 months to live. I know it's extreme but do you want to deal with retentions?
By Facebook Messenger: Use Trim
They will happily cancel subscriptions on your behalf. Sign up, interact with the Facebook Messenger bot, and link up your credit card (the one that you pay the bill with). Trim finds the subscription and can cancel it for you. Boom, done.
If you happen to have Comcast, you can even have them downgrade the service too if you'd like.
By Certified Letter
If you don't want to use a Facebook Messenger bot and you don't want to talk to a human being (I don't blame you), the answer is certified mail. You use certified mail because it gives you a proof of the day you mailed it. (source)
Nearly every company that uses contracts will have an address you can write to and cancel, use that:
Here is Comcast's Subscriber Agreement and the way you can terminate (I highlighted the important part):
b. Termination by You. Unless you have signed a minimum term addendum, you may terminate this Agreement for any reason at any time by notifying Comcast in one of three ways: (1) send a written notice to the postal address of your local Comcast business office; (2) send an electronic notice to the e-mail address specified on www.comcast.com; or (3) call our customer service line during normal business hours. Prior to affecting such termination, or any other change to your account, Comcast may undertake actions to verify your identity and confirm your election. Subject to applicable law or the terms of any agreements with governmental authorities, all applicable fees and charges for the Service(s) will accrue until this Agreement has terminated, the Service(s) have been disconnected, and all XFINITY Equipment has been returned. We will refund all prepaid monthly service fees charged for Service(s) after the date of termination (less any outstanding amounts due Comcast for the Service(s), affiliate services, XFINITY Equipment, or other applicable fees and charges).
Don't let the company waste your time!